Written by Pony Turbo
Published by Pony Turbo
Sponsored by Barack Obama
"Pony you can't just blantantly lie like that..."
"I can do whatever the F*** I WANT, STEVE"
Pony Turbo (Johnathan Taylor Turbo) is the incarnation of all that is wrong with heroes. They develop egos, sell out for money, lose their ideals, or stop caring and get reckless with their powers. Pony Turbo was always self-absorbed, immature, and a slacker, but when thrust into the limelight, his flaws thrived. The worst of the worst. Originally a bright blue, max-scaled monstrosity, PT grew from being my first character into my best character. When I started to flesh him out, I tried to make him a lot like myself. As you can see, I'm a total asshole.
Hey readers, it is I, the object of your desire, Pony Turbo. If you are reading this you have either purchased the Encyclopedia of Pony Turbo or found it online somewhere at a strange website. So bros, get to a comfortable position because chances are you'll have to rub one out after reading this...
How does a normal man become a hero? If you must ask then you don't know. My secret origin is shrouded in secrecy and smothered with a secret sauce made from secret extract and another secret ingredient. It can be explained in a word. Science. The stuff is what created superhumans in the first place, and it is what will keep creating them after I'm long gone. I was a no good person who was turned into something good. Some will argue that I'm still a no good person, but in the end, you must admit, that everything I do, I do it big. I do it explosive. I do it TURBO.
For the complete origin of me, Pony Turbo, see
Yknow Pony, I was rather excited when you said you were going to write a book about yourself. Even though it is a completely self-centered, egotistical thing to do, it still requires a little bit of intelligence. Well thanks Steve, your comments have been filed and appreciated. Yeah, but that was before you told me you were just going to spend half of the book writing down word-for-word your Freedom Corps file. Well what the hell was I supposed to do Steve?! Write it all myself?! That'd take a hell of a lot of time! It doesn't matter anyway because this file on me is written in like some kind of Hebrew-Japanese hybrid! You're holding it upside down Pony. Oh, I see.
Pony Turbo can best be described as a textbook narcissist. He is loud, competitive, assumes he is the best at everything, and has little or no feelings about anyone other than himself. Hm, that's pretty harsh. No, it is accurate. Steve, get out my keyboard. This is my space. Your space is over there. You mean next to that bowl full of dog food and the water dish in the corner? Wouldn't that be your dog's space? No, I don't have a dog, those things are there for you. Wow, uhm, why don't you keep reading, PT.
Although Pony Turbo is one of the fastest speedsters we've ever seen, he's also very reckless with his power. He has made no attempts to conceal his identity and often puts himself (and our agents) at risk during his exploits. His agility is impressive, and he's proven time and time again that the feats he can accomplish border on astonishing, but that does not allow him to be so crude, vulgar, and disrespectful. He takes advantage of his friends, mouths off constantly, and I'm pretty sure he's forcing his next door neighbor to proofread his tweets and facebook status updates. Oh hey look, they mentioned me. Shut it, Steve. Why don't you keep reading.
Pony Turbo is also a bit of a womanizer. This field agent knows what he's talking about. This is most likely because he never experienced love as a child and now overcompensates by trying to find feelings in meaningless relationships with random women. This field agent is an idiot! You just said he knows what he's talking about, PT! No, Steve, he's stupid. Pony Turbo also must have been deprived of attention for a long time, that's why he constantly tries to get as much as he can now. Whether it be by acting out or trying to use superspeed to launch himself off of a ramp and sail above thirty buses. Ha, remember that Steve? That was a sick Wednesday. You broke three bones, PT. Y'gotta live while you're alive man. You're an idiot. Really, Steve? REALLY?! Was BON JOVI AN IDIOT?! BECAUSE THAT WAS BON JOVI!
Pony Turbo's incredible feats do make him an impressive member of the metahuman population, but his personality ruins so much of his potential that it is hard to gauge what side he is even fighting on. I recommend the immediate suspension of his hero registration until he learns to be a team player and grows up. But that is wishful thinking, we are talking about Pony Turbo, after all.
I can't believe you just typed out an official document word for word and are going to try to pass it off like your autobiography. This bad boy's gonna make me rich, Steve. You're already pretty rich, PT. This bad boy's gonna make me richer, Steve. How did you even get this file, anyway? Are you even authorized to have this? Are you even authorized to be a huge flaming homosexual, Steve? Alright PT, just make jokes like that, that will definitely make you look less guilty.
Here's a big stupid list of my known heroic associates:
- The Challengers - "Alone, we may be limited, but together, we challenge the impossible!" PT was one of the first Challengers, recruited immediately upon the group's formation by Red-Havok. PT has stayed with the group through thick and thin, eventually growing comfortable enough to call the shots on a few missions. The team is comprised of his best friends and closest allies
- Armaments - "Acts like he hates me, but I know he loves me!" Armaments and PT met when PT was recruited into Orthrus Inc by Mr. Shade. After the team went AWOL, Armaments came with them, proving to be a valuable ally and even friend in some cases. His straight-laced nature doesn't always mesh well with PT's carefree attitude.
- Asunder - "Perhaps my best friend ever. No lie." Asunder and PT met while they were heroes in The Headliners. Their relationship was strained at that point because they often found themselves disagreeing or at each others' throats. After her return to Paragon and eventual joining of The Challengers, the two began to realize they could be really good friends and the rest is history.
- Azure Tracer - "The only woman I'll ever fear. Well, the only woman I'll ever admit to fearing." Tracer was PT's superior when he worked for Orthrus Inc. Much later, she was rescued from being cloned by The Challengers and joined herself. Tracer and PT take many shots at each other and don't seem to have much respect for one another. When the cards are down, though, they know how to work together.
- Blast Cycle - "Cyke needs to learn how to loosen up and stop being so serious. He's led a serious life, PT. Seriously, Steve?" Cyke met PT when he joined The Challengers and the two didn't get along great. Over time, Cyke has learned to take PT's comments in stride and dish them back. The two make a great team out in the field.
- Cyberman - "Buddies since the beginning, I knew this guy when he was running Linux!" Cyberman and PT were teammates in The Frontline, the first group PT was ever a part of in his first year as a superhero. The two share the same sense of humor, but Cyberman knows when to be serious, unlike PT.
- Dynomind - "DYNOMIND!" All of Dynomind's scientific discoveries have helped PT invaluably. While the man himself is almost incorrigible, Dynomind proves his usefulness and dedication to the team by always trying his best to aid them in whatever mission they may be on. Dynomind enjoys to mock PT's inferior intelligence.
- Foxy Ferret - "We have a love-hate relationship. That's true about you and a lot of people, PT. I just love to hate her. Okay that's not what that means..." Foxy Ferret has been one of PT's allies since he began as a superhero. Though they often argue, they care about each other and enjoy getting into trouble together.
- Gadgix - "Basically my little sister and my best friend. No lie." Gadgix met PT during the end of 2011 and the two immediately became friends. Gadgix's ingenious ideas and inventions are a constant source of enjoyment for PT. He thinks of her as a kid sister, despite the fact that she is much smarter than he could ever hope to be. Because of Gadgix, PT has become addicted to Radi-Tabs.
- Liquid Zero - "As unhinged as they come, nobody better to party with. You're an awful person, PT. YOUR MOM IS, STEVE!" Liquid Zero met PT while he was working with Liquidus, but only in passing. After a long time apart, they were reunited when Liquid Zero was inducted in as an expert mercenary to The Challengers. Their friendship stems from their shared immaturity.
- Nimbus - "How have we been friends for so long when we're so completely different? It is an enigma, aint it, PT? Holy shit, Steve?! You're still here?!" Nimbus and PT were teammates in The Frontline and have fought some of the world's most powerful threats together. While Nimbus is a true blue hero, he can still stand PT's antics.
- Paul Ooshun - "The man behind the living ball of trash isn't half bad." The Ooshun monster and PT were mortal enemies, making it that much stranger that when he was able to reform and join The Challengers, they became such good friends. Paul knows how to press PT's buttons and PT can do the same to him, but they respect each other nonetheless.
- Replacer - "My best friend. No lie? Steve, are you trying to tell me something with that?" When Replacer was Rave Spider, he joined The Headliners and met PT. He is one of the few people who PT seeks to impress, even if he'd never admit it. When Replacer isn't scolding PT for being a jerk, they make a great pair of friends.
- Red-Havok - "Oh Captain, my Captain! How literary of you, PT. He's my best friend. No lie." Red-Havok has always been the only authority PT will really listen to. Since their meeting in The Frontline, their relationship has grown from just teammates to actual friends. PT is the only one ever successful in getting Havok to play Xbox.
- Sovereign Fist - "No such thing as a buddy as good as Sovereign Fist." Fist's easygoing attitude immediately made it hard for PT not to like the guy. When Fist became a Challenger, PT tried to put him through a gauntlet of trials, acting as though he was his superior. Fist takes PT's jokes well, as nothing can break his iron will, especially not jabs from Pony Turbo.
- Talonknight - "This guy is just a total mystery that I don't think I'll ever solve. Glad he's on my side." Talonknight and PT aren't exactly the best of friends, but they'll work together without complaining. Talonknight joined The Challengers as a formality, but very much fights alone, only asking for help if the situation becomes dire. PT respects that.
- The Masked Renegade - "My best friend. No lie. You've said that so much. NO LIE STEVE." PT and Renegade are two extremely close friends. The eccentric hero and PT have been through a lot together, fighting numerous supervillains, dodging life threatening situations, and even dealing with the everyday stresses of being remarkably odd. They are made for one another.
- Voltium - "Okay okay okay, all best friends aside, this guy is my best friend! No lie!" Voltium and PT met well before he ever joined as a Challenger. Voltium became PT's most trusted confidant as he is one of the only people who can fully understand him. Volt currently lives with PT in his penthouse, something that the rest of the team jokes about, insinuating they are a married gay couple.
- Xanatos - "I don't have many idols, but this guy, damn it all if he isn't my idol." PT knew a lot about Xanatos before they met as teammates in The Challengers. The legendary hero inspires everyone, including PT. While they are practically polar opposites, they can't help but get along. Xan has even trusted PT to come with him on some of his most dangerous intergalactic missions.
- Aglow - "The Kelly Kapowski to my Zach Morris." PT and Aglow have been friends for years. They complement each other well. PT helps Aglow loosen up and she helps him slow down. Their friendship borders on attraction, but they are wary of ever becoming too serious about it.
- Charon - "Fear incarnate and I are total pals." Charon and PT will never get along on a personal level, but nobody can get along with the Bone Breaker personally. However, Charon seems to acknowledge PT's superspeed prowess and knows that when he isn't being frivolous, he is an asset to the city and the world. That's about all you can ask for.
- Galactoman - "I always dug the way Galactoman runs his ship. All about him. Respect." Galactoman is a drunk, but that kind of personality meshes well with PT. If there's anyone on Earth PT could attend a party with, it'd be Galactoman. These two heroes don't care much about saving the world when they're together, just getting plastered.
- Human Flashbulb - "Flashbulb, now there's a guy I'd like to have a beer with. However, not do much else." Flashbulb is usually only able to tolerate PT if he's inebriated. They've worked together for years, but PT doesn't have much in common with the guy. Flashbulb is proud of that fact.
- Liquidus - "Liquidus may be more operative than hero, but he's a stand up guy. But not like a stand up comedian, because he's not funny." Liquidus and PT first worked together when Liquidus was tasked with helping the Frontline with several missions. Their friendship transcends their professions, as one is a precise black ops agent and the other is a goofy speedster.
- The Noisebomb - "The Noisebomb is gross on the outside, but beautiful on the inside. Or something fruity like that." Noisebomb is perpetually upbeat and PT picks up on that. While Noisebomb may sometimes get tired of the barbs PT throws his way about his appearance, the two will always be great friends.
Here's a big stupid list of my many villainous rivals:
- The Blacklist - "It is a list of bad guys, of course we'd fight." The Blacklist was theorized and created by Mr. Shade of Orthrus Inc. The names on it consist of the most dangerous superhuman villains and threats to the world and they often give PT and his allies trouble when trying to defend the world from the forces of evil.
- Siren Chorus - "A group of assassins being manufactured like mindless drones." PT and The Renegade worked together to investigate the Siren Chorus, but Renegade got in too deep and was almost inducted into their army. After rescuing Renegade and returning his sanity, the Chorus remains at large.
- United Underworld - "Annoying as flunk. That's all you're going to say? Well, they're annoying, Steve." The United Underworld is a rag-tag group of supervillains banded together by unknown circumstances. Their numbers make them a tough organization in the Isles with a lot of pull inside the criminal underground.
- Nine-ball - "How do you tell if someone is mentally unstable? If they wear a yellow skin-tight suit." Nine-ball previously ran a gang of billiard-themed bad guys. He eventually grew to become one of the figureheads of the group. While good at coming up with schemes and ploys, Nine-ball often sends his flock of villainous henchmen to do the work for him.
- Maestro Fortissimo - "If you didn't hate opera before, you will now. Some people like opera, PT. Yeah right, quit lying." Maestro Fortissimo was one of the first villains in the group. After coming into contact with a "Meta-Amplifier" he launched an attack on Paragon City, which was inevitably thwarted completely by The Challengers and their allies, landing the man in jail for a while.
- Seismecca - "We have a rocky relationship! Get it? Nice pun. It isn't a pun, it is just straight up HILARIOUS." Seismecca and PT have fought quite a few times. Because of her control over stone and rock, she can create quicksand patches that slow PT down. For this reason, PT dislikes Seismecca more than any other villain in the group.
The following is a list of my most unforgettable moments and quotes, this list, is an honor. This large beautiful PIECE OF ART is coveted by people all over the world. But like any masterpiece, the list takes time, care, and most of all...hard work to become a part of. If you want your name on THIS list, well then you are just going to have to suck it up, and release all the lame jokes you have within you! LONG LIVE THE LIST!!!!!
Timekick: Is there any particular reason you have to be such a dick all the time?
Me: Well I can't be a vagina
Blue-Havok: Pony Turbo you are suspended from Frontline duty until further notice
Me: Is this because I used your toothbrush to clean the toliets?
Me: Don't blame them.
Liquidus: Of course not, they're the muscle support to the little that is left of your brain.
Me: Being suspended is so boring!
Liquidus: It's been eight minutes
Me: It is half past Turbo Time.
Me: I know I'm supposed to hate Arachnos, but this base is sorta comfy.
Asunder: ...Your whole conception of relationships comes from romance novels, doesn't it?
Me: And Sex and the City reruns. Idiot.
Cross Check: I could tell he was trying to act big and intimidating.
Me: He's black that's just his natural aura.
Me: OH MY GOD YOU AND YOUR SISTER ARE LOVERS!??!?!?!?!
Rave Spider: CALM IT DOWN!
Me: You guys hear about that sheep that got cloned?
Lagoon: Dude that was like 8 years ago.
Me: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!
Knight Sentinel takes the mic
Pyreblast: Is that the only line you know, PT?
Knight Sentinel: Ladies and Gentlemen, as our friend has illustrated so effectively...the alchohol is setting in, and the night is winding down.
Me: Masked get out of the way.
Masked: I'm no clone, and I'm not moving.
Me: Jules says you're a clone, Calvin says you're a clone. You do clone-like things, I'm beginning to think you are a clone...
Masked: What are they... CLONE-OLOGISTS?
Me: I don't know.
Masked: Listen to your heart, PT.
Me: I don't have a heart, that's why I'm about to beat up a girl.
Masked: You have a point.
Me: Konichiwa, bitches!
Coldcrash: You clearly don't speak Japanese so quit trying.
Me: Domo arrigato, bitches!
Me: Psh, I put your group on the MAP, bro.
Matt King: You need to get your ego in check.
Me: You need to quit hatin' on me man, I'm Pony freakin' Turbo.
Me: You lied to me.
Masked: I did. I lied big time to you.
Me: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.
Masked: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
Me: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
Masked: I wanna be inside you, homes.
Me: No more lies, Masked.
Masked: This is my moment.
Me: This is your moment.
Me: I kick with the force of a thousand trains.
Red-Havok: Lethal force authorized?
Liquidus: With extreme prejudice.
Me: So you're expecting the attackers to be black?
Me: Where is this prison? ATLANTIS!?
Mr. Shade: It's an island prison.
TJ Quake: Everybody knows Atlantis is a myth Pony!
Nimbus: This is wrong...
Me: Hey Nim you should bitch more, that will help.
Me: Aren't Warcry and Sinister like best friends? Why's he trying to drag and drop him into the recycle bin?
Mr. Shade: You said you "remembered" Sinister's escape. Did you not also remember his betrayal of Warcry?
Me: Yeah but he's like an artificial intelligence, Han Solo and Chewbacca betrayed C-3PO like three-hundred times, but he still hung out with them.
Mr. Shade: These are power mad constructs, not movie characters.
Me: Your van smells like shit. And why do you have a "Baby on Board" sticker on your window?
Armaments: ...This...is stupid
Me: Is this shag carpeting? Now I want a van.
Red-Havok draws a picture of his brother on the window fog...
Masked Renegade: Okay, guys. This is Portal Corp.
Me: What, why the hell are we at Portal Corp?
Azure Tracer: Aren't vans what child molester sapiens use?
Masked Renegade: If I don't come back, PT, you get my skateboard collection.
Me: AH SICK...I mean. I hope it doesn't come to that.
Me: Alright, parking's gonna be a bitch at a PPD crime scene so somebody grab a handicap sticker and throw it on the Toyota Sienna, it'll make things much easier.
Me: Alright Infiltrators, this is a crime scene. NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING.
I touch everything on the way in.
Me: I'm using the bathroom before we leave, because last time Cyborg Sinister's hideout didn't have one.
Me: Next thing you're gonna tell me Phanto's on our side too.
Rave Spider: Yeah he is.
Rave Spider: Way to guess that in comedically hilarous fashion, Pony.
Me: I can't read my watch, but I'm pretty sure in some part of the world it is Turbo Time right now.
I am so badass that people who aren't me still write stories about me because I am just that badass damn it. Yeah so here's a couple of those you stupid f***tards. Why would you cuss out your readers? Cause I can.
Pony Turbo/Turbo Time: Nuclear Kicks - by @ItsTheSheppy
I go on an adventure to defend planet Earth from evil space ninjas with lasers while making out with super hot chicks. I do some other badass stuff that you totally wish you could do, but you'll have to read the story in order to find out what that stuff is. All I'm sure of is that you can't do it cause you're not me, Pony Turbo. Now go home and cry you little crybaby bitches.
Pony Turbo/Turbo Time: Rad Robot Rampage - by @Galactoman
My heart is tearing (not really) when I must abandon a super hot make-out party with Angelina Jolie to go fight an evil robot that captured Statesman, the president, and every girl in Rhode Island named Becky. Oh and did I mention he took them all to the center of the Earth. The center bitch. Everything in the center of the Earth is like ten times more badass than on the crust. The crust is for fags.
Pony Turbo/Turbo Time: Sexual Explosion - by @ItsTheSheppy
I must save the day from an evil villain when everyone else pusses out. With help from his underwater friends (not really, I did it all on my own), I save the Earth from being turned into a giant water-balloon by the nefarious Captain Stupidscheme by turning my own inertia into pure brute strength. Read this story and totally feel sexually inadequate for the rest of your life (if you don't already).
Pony Turbo/Once Upon a Pony Turbo - by @Masked
So that's when it happened. Cameron Diaz and I fell in love. Pony, please write something that is remotely related to the above story. Steve, WE'VE BEEN WRITING...this STUPID encyclopedia for like hours and I am BORED as FLUNK. You're bored of writing about yourself? I never thought I'd see the day! I'm bored of writing about people writing about me, especially since this fanfic is really just a blatant rip-off of a Jake and Amir episode. What the hell is Jake and Amir? GOD STEVE, LOOK THEM UP, I DON'T HAVE ALL YOUR PRECIOUS ANSWERS!
Here are facts about PT, told from the perspective of me, his creator:
- People have asked me if I gave PT tourrets more than one time.
- PT had his own TV show, as well as several movies based around him.
- PT doesn't ever say sorry and mean it.
- PT has an action figure collection, but all the action figures are of himself.
- PT has been approached for autographs in-game many times, it makes me laugh.
- PT is really just a figment of my, his creator's, imagination.
- PT is modeled after me, sort of, I like to think I'm not as annoying, but equally as awesome.
- People have asked me if I gave PT NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) more than one time.
- After I found out what NPD was, I concluded that PT must have it.
- In a live action movie about PT, he'd be played by Seann William Scott.
- All of the pictures on this page were gifted to me by my good friends and they were drawn by immensely talented artists! Tovio911 was the artist who did my headshot, it was gifted to me by a friend! Aglow commissioned the PT "Dick-In-A-Box picture, Red-Havok, Galactoman, and Juggertha drew the following pictures! My BFF Ran drew the picture of PT and Masked at the strip club! Liquidus comissioned the Liquid Zero/PT team-up picture and its freaking sweet! Foxy Ferret commissioned the picture of Masked and PT as kids!
- PT is 24 years old.
- PT is the only character in City of Heroes to ever hit level 100.
- PT grew up not knowing his parents, he lived with his grandfather.
- PT's ethnicity is somewhat of a mystery. If asked PT will say "I am Puerto Rican or some shit".
- PT doesn't cry, he had his tear ducts surgically removed. (This was submitted by Pony Turbo Superfan Aglow, after she heard me say it in-game.)
- If not for Red-Havok, I wouldn't have ever started RPing and I probably wouldn't have kept playing this game, so he is to thank for PT's very existence! (2side n Blue Aero 4 life)
- PT has the license plate M0D1CK registered to his name, even though he does not own a car.
- PT now owns a tiny kitten by the name MS. TINYPAWS gifted to him by friend Voltium after hearing his heart-breaking tale of his diabetes cat MR. FATPAWS.
- PT and Steve authored their fellow Challenger's page, Sovereign Fist.
- PT's Xbox LIVE gamertag is nofatchx. He often plays with Red-Havok, who has the gamertag cade367hamster.
- This page's layout was designed and implemented by @Unmasked, I simply wrote all the words.